About hard choices and consequences
by valerishka-s
Summary: She wants to say "run", she wants to say "I will undo you", she wants him to stay. "Thank you," she says and it's all he wanted to hear for a long time.


Elizabeth feels his presence instead of hearing his footsteps.

She expects him to say something harsh and bashing, but he doesn't. He stands beside her, silent, unmoving. That's not her Jack, and it makes her feel small and useless.

Her Jack would have laughed at her pained expression and walked away. This… stranger takes off his coat and helps her put it on.

"You see, once upon a time there lived a good man," he tells her, and she remembers that despite his slurring, his words are proper and grammatically correct – a thing she always found surprising for someone who's been a pirate for so long.

She wants to protest, to say something, to scream. He should hate her, loath her – not smile at her the way he did long before she left him to die.

It's cold, but his eyes are warm in the dark, and she finds more comfort in his coat draped around her than she probably should. She inhales his scent and she can finally breathe. She forgets just for a moment all the things that happened to them.

She turns her body towards Jack who seems to be unaffected by the cold. She wonders if his cold inside, if he feels the wind blowing – he's the only one who's dead aboard the _Pearl_. She wants to ask what death feels like, what it's like to not be alive, to not exist. It's on the tip of her tongue but she thinks better of it and keeps quiet.

"He was a pirate, but not a good one," he continues his tale. "Poor lad had high morals – a very, very unfortunate thing for a pirate. He was young and stupid, so when his friend gets into trouble – accused of doing something wrong – this chap breaks the code and helps him escape, gets thrown out of the Shipwreck Cove for his troubles."

Elizabeth imagines someone… not stupid, no. Someone young, brave and loyal. Someone who was willing to save his friend.

Jack smiles at her when he sees that she has just the right picture in her mind. His smile is small and just for a fraction of a second she lets herself believe that is was meant for her eyes only.

"That's when he decides that he's had enough of pirate life. He quits."

"He quits," Elizabeth parrots because she understands that _she_ could never quit, could never have her life back. Not that she wanted to, but still.

"Aye. The kid has nothing to lose, he longs for some normality and honesty, so he ends up working for the East India Trading Company. He serves as a first mate but one day gets to save a ship full of cargo from pirates when its captain gets taken down. He gets to be a captain on his own after that, he's given a good old ship, the fastest there is – but not before he refuses to transport slaves on a newer one, because, as I said, high morals."

"It didn't go very well for him, did it?" Elizabeth inquires with a feeling of dread for a man she never met. She thinks she would have liked him.

Jack chuckles, but there's something sad in his eyes now – like he remembered something that he buried a long time ago and swore to never speak of. And yet there he was, telling her this story.

"No, luv. It didn't," he confirms her suspicions. "But let me describe his beloved ship first. _Wicked Wench_ her name was, a magnificent sight I witnessed with me own eyes. Pure white sails that followed the wind everywhere. Golden yellow hull that glinted in the sun. And her captain, standing at the helm, guiding her through storms and waves you could never imagine. They were both loyal to each other for he had never laid his eyes on other ships and she had never betrayed him during a storm or a harsh battle. _Lucky_ , they called him. But did you know that Fortune was quite changeable, eh?"

Elizabeth swallows. Things tend to go very wrong after it all being luck and fortune. She learnt the lesson the hard way.

"He thought that he befriended one of his commanders only to be proven wrong when he least expected it," Jack continues. "He refuses to give up some information after five years of faithful servitude and gets an order to transport slaves to a distant location. He wants to refuse, to scream, to do anything as disgust fills him 'til there's no place for it. But he excepts because he's offered quite the deal. He can buy his beloved _Wench_ for just one shilling, how about that? Should've leapt at the chance, but it was his high morals that won the quick battle."

"Jack," her voice is barely a whisper for she understands why he's telling her this story. She sees a choice, a simple one but a choice nevertheless. She still remembers how easy it was to kiss, to lie, to condemn. Living with the consequences was much harder.

"So he has to make a choice, you see. Get himself a ship or save one hundred souls. Let me tell you, he never made such an easy decision in his life. He lets them go."

Elizabeth gasps. She knows how the company works; he will never be able to just get away with something like that!

"His friend is wise. He is a kind man. He is understanding. Well, turns out Cutler Beckett is none of these things."

She shuts her eyes and tries to breathe, but she can't, not properly. Just how many lives were destroyed by Beckett?

"He tries to run but to no vain. He gets branded as a pirate and then he gets to watch, helpless to do anything, as the _Wench_ is set on fire and is left to sink. Now, understand that she was not just a ship in his eyes. She was his freedom, his life, his lover. He breaks free and rushes to her as he jumps from the cliff. He tries to save her, but almost gets killed when he's trapped in the cabin. That's when he makes a deal with the devil – his soul for her. A few more years as her captain. That's got to be good enough, eh?"

"But is isn't," Elizabeth states instead of questioning because she's afraid to hear the answer. This young man reminds her of Jack and of his deal with Jones. She suspects his ship was dear to him, too, if he, too, sold his soul for it.

"It isn't. There's a mutiny one night, because he's young and doesn't understand that it's impossible to be a good pirate and a good man. So for years, for long years, he has to listen to tales told by all sailor about his ship, about something so dear to him. Ten years pass in a blink of an eye, and he finally has her, but his time is up, and the devil comes to collect his debt. This man that held onto high morals all those years ago? He learnt his lessons the hard way. He learnt to lie, to deceive, to use people, to take advantage of any situations. He would have been dead a long time ago if he didn't. And it doesn't' matter that he loathed even the idea of becoming a pirate."

Elizabeth feels pity and regret and something like compassion for the man from Jack's story. She can practically see how someone so kind and naïve saw the world for what it really was – a scary place that held no mercy. She can easily imagine how he slowly turned into someone he hated and was helpless to stop it.

"So he tries to talk his way out of it. "How much?" he asks the devil, because there is a price for everything. And the devil tells him that he will take one hundred souls for his. Do you see the irony, luv?"

Elizabeth can't take it anymore for the story begins to take a route she doesn't understand.

"Did he survive?" she asks instead of _why are you telling me this_.

"In a manner of speaking," Jack shrugs and his gaze wanders to the stars above them. She can see his breath in the air, a white cloud floating near his mouth, and she stands closer to him. She feels like he's going to disappear, like it's all a dream and he's still dead, at the bottom of the ocean or in the Locker.

His eyes lost their playfulness since their last encounter. There's something distant and sad, old even where his joy and laughter used to be. It makes her sick. She did it to him, she took something from him and he won't tell her what it was.

He is contemplating whether or not he should finish the story.

"I can end the story here," Jack says. "A captain dying for his ship, finally paying his debt. But that's only one part of the story, luv. The whole truth is… more romantic. But you wouldn't like it."

Elizabeth stops breathing because he has never been so open with her. She distantly recalls him strapped of all his guards on that night when the fire was making the shadows dance across his face as he told her about what freedom really is. It all feels unreal now, like it happened to someone else or in another life.

It was simple back then. Normal.

She was a better person, it seems.

She wants to go back in time, to ask questions about his past, to demand stories. She wants to see her childhood hero again instead of a real human being who's been through a lot if the scars are anything to go by. She wants to be Elizabeth Swann, the Governor's daughter again – piracy seemed so fun and interesting, she felt like she could trade everything she had for a taste of it.

Jack is waiting for her answer, and just for a moment she looks at him, surprised. Why would he try to stop the tale before..? _Oh_.

"He fell in love," she whispers and it's not a question.

"Aye, he did, for the first time in his long life," the pirate confirms and he sounds… bleak. Like he's afraid to say a wrong world, like if he does, the story will cease to exist. She never saw him like this – choosing words with care instead of being indifferent. It scares her to death. "Have you ever loved someone that much that you saw not a person but a perfect version of them?"

She thinks about it for a moment and doesn't hesitate as she shakes her head in denial.

"Nothing existed but her beauty, her innocence and her smile. She was… is a flawed person like any other in this world, but that's not what he saw. To him, she was freedom trapped in a cage, so young and trusting – he's been there once. She was fire waiting to burn everything, waiting to destroy. She was locked in the frames of society and she was suffocating with a constant desire to escape. He looked at her and he saw himself. He tried to help her, to… guide her. He wanted to stay away because he didn't want to influence her, to spoil her. Once upon a time she would have taken his hand and smiled, maybe she would have run with him. But not now, not with someone as disgusting as him. So he fled as far as he could, but she found him."

Elizabeth doesn't interrupt. She thinks about sailors calling the man from the tale lucky instead, about his life being a chain of bad luck events.

"She found him for her own purpose solely, but the mere sight of her, the sound of her voice was enough to awaken the feelings he buried deep down inside. You see, she was in love with someone else, and he knew from the beginning that she would never choose him, would never even consider it a choice. His whole life was a lie, so what's one more, right? He pretended to want only her body, and she bought it easily."

"I can't imagine the pain that must have caused him," she muses and feels dread spreading inside when Jack's lips curl into cruel smile.

"Oh, yes, the pain," he nods, like he tries the word on his tongue for the first time, and Elizabeth flinches. "But, you see, it was a perfect solution. He gave her compliments, told her how he really felt, and she thought he wanted to bed her whilst he wanted a taste of her sharp and clever mind, of her soul that was finally free. It was… okay, really. Until it wasn't."

"I have a feeling that he's not that lucky after all," she tries and the corner of his lips curl up at that.

"The irony is not lost on you, I see," he nods before continuing. "It was okay until she thought it to be some kind of a game, which it wasn't, not for him. She began to flirt and to seduce, and he thought that he had a chance, savvy? Every time he got too close, she would back off, twist the situation to look like he was trying to force his way on her. So he assumed that she was teasing. Oh, how beautiful she was in those small moments when she tormented him… Oh, how many times he wanted to speak his mind freely but was afraid to be faced with rejection, was afraid to look like a fool in love that he was. But he was careful still, thank all gods for that for she ran into the arms of her beloved the moment she saw him."

Elizabeth remembers how she flirted with Jack with no serious intentions at all. For the first time since it all happened she wonders if he felt betrayed and hurt when she left his side without a second thought.

"Sounds like a cruel thing to do," she says instead.

"Cruelty is a relative thing, luv," Jack rests his hands on the wood of the ship, of _his lover and home_ , and casts his eyes down.

"He let her go, right?" she inches closer and grabs his hand with her both arms. "So what happened next? She realized her mistake and came rushing back? Or did she stay with her beloved?"

The stories Jack told always ended with some intriguing twist in the end, so she was eager to hear what happened to this poor man. Why Jack hinted that this woman was the end of him?

Jack won't look at her.

"Why do you think I've told you this story?" he asks, and it's quiet and worn out, defeated and it doesn't sound like the legendary Captain she knows.

"What happened to the _Wench_ , Jack?" she asks instead of saying something different. Instead of asking the reason for this tale, instead of shaking him.

It seems that she asks the right questions tonight even though they sound wrong having come out of her mouth.

There's something painful in his eyes now, a dull sensation mixed with something sharp, and he shakes his head like he expected her to understand, and she would, only she doesn't know what it is that she's supposed to guess.

She wants to slap him, to laugh it off, because something is going on right here and right now, but he wants to walk away, never being the one in favor of facing battles.

But she lost the right to even be his friend, didn't she, so she wants to cry instead. If he walks away now, she will never get the chance to say all that she wants to say. She opens her mouth but words won't come out, and what would she say anyway? _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry_ over and over again? The time doesn't stop, and she wants to scream, and Jack raises his head and _looks_ at her, and everything stops.

"You're standing on it," he simply says and it's like he slapped her across the face, hard.

She thinks about his open smile on that damned island, about disgust on his face when he showed her the scars. She remembers him humming her song all the time with a warm expression on his face. All those small moments when he smiled at her, was near her, gave her a piece of good advice. All the times he saved he soul and all the times he saved her mind. She remembers him teaching her what freedom really is. She remembers him… making innuendo jokes and she clear as day remembers herself laughing at his poor wooing skills.

She feels disgust and dread filling her as she remembers all those times she hurt him, all those times he kept coming for more. She must say something, she can't just leave him standing like that.

"Do you still think that I'm perfect?" she blurts out before she even realizes it.

"Aye," he says. It's simple and plain and just _a single word_ , but it's _perfect_ coming out of his mouth.

She can't take it any longer as guilt crushes her.

But she's not cold, on the contrary, she feels warm as strong arms curl around her waist, as she hides her face in his chest and lets herself breath into him. It makes her feel safe and guarded, strong and capable of anything.

She wants to say _why_ and _how_ , she wants to say _I'm sorry that Fortune is picky as hell_ , she wants to say _I'm sorry I killed you_ , _I'm sorry I used you like that_.

"I missed you," she says instead and she hears him let out a breath he's been holding, feels him relax against her.

"Nothing bad will happen, luv," he whispers. "Not while I'm around".

She wants to beg him to stop, to be a regular filthy pirate she can despise, but he's not, isn't he, he's a good man, and he will let her torture him until he's numb from pain.

She wants to ask him to leave, to not be there for her, but he will always give her hope even when he doesn't have anything left for himself.

He will do anything for her, she knows. He will die protecting her, he will sell his soul for her, and she dreads the day something bad does happen, because he's just a man, made from flesh and from blood, and she has a tendency to forget about that.

She wants to say _run_ , she wants to say _I will undo you_ , she wants him to stay.

"Thank you," she says and it's all he wanted to hear for a long time.


End file.
